For some reason, I am in a funk.
I don't know why. Things are going great in some parts of my life. My sex life, for example, has never been better. Work is starting to make more sense to me than it did a year ago, when I felt lost and at sea.
As in, previously, on Lost. That kind of shit.
On the personal front, I got rid of the last remnants of my ambition early last year. Without desire, I have no hunger.
Some interesting projects have cropped up. TV. Movies. Whatever. Those are all 50-50 stuff. Some get made, some don't. Obladi, oblada.
I am happier than I was a year, or two years ago. And yet, there is something that is bothering me right now. Like an itch inside my throat which I cannot scratch.
Maybe it's the no smoking again. I mis the nicotine, but simply isolating myself from cigarettes is doing the trick. No oppportunity means no ciggies.
Maybe, maybe I miss the days when I was emotional and would simply express my feelings without bounds. Anger. Love. Hatred. Pure and all-destroying.
Nowadays, I am acutely aware of the effect I have on people. I am most bothered when some people I care about get affected by me. I mean, I can take care of myself. I can take whatever I say and do and feel, and by the end of the day, I can be at peace with me.
The only time when I was in a similar funk, was when people get affected by how I am. It's not comfortable. Affecting people means being responsible for the effect. Good or bad doesn't matter. It's a responsibility.
While I know I am not the center of the universe, I realise that I do have influence over people, and that just pisses me off, sometimes.
I believe in freedom and independence, and part of that independence is independence from me. I believe that everyone should be independent from everyone else.
I don't know, man.
My existence deforms the universe. That's responsibility - Delirium.
If I share my pain and my worries with girls, they would suck my dick right now. Unfortunately, I am not a worshipper of pain.
I don't even believe in pain.
Oh well. Maybe I'm just addicted to fast food. Gonna order some now. Cheers!