Thursday, April 24, 2008

My Academy Awards Acceptance Speech

This is my acceptance speech for winning the Best Foreign Film accolade at the the 87th Academy Awards:

Ehem.

I would like to thank the Academy. Plato's Academy. Not yours. Cause you suck.

I would like to thank my parents, for having sex that one night. I would like to thank my brother and my sisters, my sister-in-law and my nephews.

Not forgetting the people who taught me to write, market and manage:

Ahiruddin Atan aka Rocky, Lee Siew Lian and Zainal Alam Kadir - a trio I affectionately call The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

A shout out to the people at Astro, for having this Tetsuwan Atom in their midst. I also would like to shout a wazzzup to the people at The Malay Mail, the old crew.

And to those who ever doubted me, backstabbed me, broke my trust by telling people stuff I told them not to, I say this: FUCK OFF AND DIE!

What? My 45 seconds is up? Stop the fucking music, you baton-waving, cheese-eating surrender monkey! Or I'll shove that tuba up your ass. Motherfucker. SHut up when I'm talking to you!

Fucking backstabbers! Motherfuckers!

To people who ever tried to manipulate me in any way, I say this: I will use every single cent I gain from this shit and hire assassins and torturers to manipulate your asses.

I'm going to torment you till you fucking pee in your mouth, you sons and daughters of bitches!

I hate fax machines. I FUCKING HATE FAX MACHINES!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I see Jewish people.

Shabbat Shalom? My ass! Mazel Tov! Cocksuckers!

Natalie Portman: But, you said you LIKE us Jews! Last night -

Me: Ohhh, That was just pillow talk, baby. But I do love Jews.

Roberto Benigni is a fucking asshole!

Fuck Roberto Benigni! And Whoopi Goldberg - a fusion of Jeff Goldblum and Steven Spielberg, is the worst Jew to ever host these stupid awards!

I'm a Muslim and I'mma suicide-bomb all-a-you motherfuckers right fucking now!

Kablooey, motherfuckers! Kablooey!

And then the world ended.

I also won Best Screenplay. Here's my acceptance speech for that one:

Me: Thanks. Oy oy oy oy oy oy oy.