Sunday, March 30, 2008

Semusim di Syurga: Dilema Melayu

Aku seorang pelarian.

Aku tinggalkan rumah sejak umur 12 lagi, dan aku tak pernah balik sebagai pemastautin di Kampung aku, Kuantan, Pahang.

Aku lari dari ideologi bapak aku. Aku lari dari manipulation emak aku. Aku lemas. Aku rimas. Mak bapak aku cuba dengan sebaik-baiknya untuk menjadi Melayu yang baik. Muslim yang baik.

Aku buat semua yang sebaliknya. Aku lari dari identiti kemelayuan aku, dan juga dari warisan cina aku. Ya, bapak aku Cina, tapi dia jauh lebih Melayu dari aku. Lebih Islam. Sembahyang tak tinggal. Walaupun kena angin ahmar tiga kali, dia masih sembahyang lima kali sehari. Sambil hisap rokok kretek tiga kotak sehari. Cuma dia bukan pemalas je.

"Kalau tak kerja, sakit badan," dia selalu cakap, sambil meracun tanah satu ekar kat kampung aku - tanah aku - rokok cengkih kat mulut, halau nyamuk.

Aku pernah nak tackle seorang minah Melayu (satu-satunya). Awal-awal lagi aku cakap kat dia, "Aku bapak setan. Semua benda aku pernah buat. AKu tak consider aku Melayu. AKu nak blah dari negara ni secepat mungkin."

Masa tu, aku nak ambik offer UN, kerja kat Jerman, sebelum bapak aku sakit. Sebelum dia kena stroke kali ketiga. Sebelum aku buat keputusan untuk hadir semasa funeral bapak aku.

AKu bagitau minah tu pasal aku taknak langgar akta label dan tanda dagangan 1987. Aku rasa itu la nama akta tu. Aku tak suka menipu. Dan aku taknak dia hisap konek aku tanpa betul-betul kenal konek siapa dia hisap tu. Anak haram siapa yang dia kendong.

Infidel Inside.

Biasanya, bila ada benda aku tak suka, aku akan cuba untuk mendalami benda tu. Macam dangdut. Aku paling menyampah dangdut dulu. Lepas tu, aku download lebih kurang 3 gig lagu dangdut.

Jumpa jugak aku lagu dangdut yang aku suka.

Tajuk lagu: Mabuk Lagi
Penyanyi: Haram tak tau

Lelaki:
Duhai tunanganku,
sampaikan pada orang tuamu
Tahun depan ku melamarmu
Akan ku belikan kereta lembu!

teret teret teeeee

Perempuan:
Mabuk Lagiiiiii
Mabuk lagiiii
Judi lagiiiii
Judi lagiiii

kau bawa teman teman hai mabuk bersama muuuuuu
kau bawa teman teman hai judi bersama muuuuuu

Mabuk lagiiii
Judi lagiiiii

Ku tak mahuu terus beginiii

Putuskan saja hubungan, jangan lagi bertunangan
Ku tak mahu jadi isteri, kalau kau terus begini...



Lagu dangdut yang sesuai dengan jiwa aku! Dengan lirik yang agak dalam. Komentari sosial yang jarang didengar dalam lagu-lagu pop sampah yang lain. Ataupun lagu-lagu 'urban' yang buat aku nak muntah.

Eksperimentasi aku dengan dangdut meyakinkan aku sekali lagi yang bentuk serta medium tidak menjadi kayu-ukuran kepada ke-best-an sesuatu benda. Macam komik tak semestinya untuk budak-budak. Ada komik setan. Ada komik Yahudi. Komik itu luas. Begitu juga Dangdut. Begitu juga Melayu. Begitu juga Cina.

Ada ramai Melayu yang mabuk. Tak kisah la mabuk minum todi, minum Glenfidditch 50 tahun, minum tapai, minum ubat batuk, ambik crack, snort cocaine, inject heroin, isap ganja, loncat-loncat telan E, kena rogol lepas ambik GHB yang boifren bermisai dia letak dalam ice lemon tea.

Ada ramai Melayu judi. Masuk VIP room, letak 50,000 satu hand pasal duit rasuah, duit NEP, duit AP. Lepas tu kalah kat Cina.

Cina pulak, ramai tak reti cakap bahasa dia. Banana Chinese. Cina Kampung Pisang. ABC. American Born Chinese atau Air Batu Campur.

Cina perasan pandai pun ada. Ingat kalau ramai yang pandai dalam satu-satu kaum tu, semua pandai ke? Yang bodoh piang pun ada. Nak buat bisnes tak reti, aku yang separuh Melayu ni jugak la yang kasi tau camana. Customer tak layan betul-betul, camana nak buat bisnes?

Anyway, point aku ialah rupa, bentuk, DNA, atau medium itu tak penting. Penting masa nak sampaikan whatever, tapi lepas tu yang penting cumalah substance. Pengisian, kata orang Melayu.

Selama ni aku lari dari bentuk dan rupa kaum Melayu tu. AKu lari dari bapak aku pasal aku tak suka bentuk pemikiran dia sangat. Bukan apa yang dia fikirkan. Bukan niat dia yang aku lari daripada.

Pasal bapak aku hebat. Kampung aku tu, dia yang bukak, pasal dia rasa bodoh duduk berkampung tepi sungai dan kena banjir tiap-tiap tahun. Dia jumpa Menteri Besar Pahang, lepas tu bukak kampung aku tu tahun 1978.

Dia tak dapat apa pun yang special. Dia bukan penghulu, dan masa tu bukan ketua kampung. Dia cikgu. Cikgu zaman dulu. Bukan macam cikgu zaman sekarang.

Dia bukan politician, tapi dia cukup sayang negara ni, dan juga parti politik dia - UMNO. Pasal orang UMNO zaman dia hebat-hebat. Tak macam orang UMNO sekarang.

Aku dengar cerita, Tunku dulu minum dan judi. Habis Elvis Presley la dia - Eminem zaman dedulu, kepada sesiapa yang tak tau. Jangan terperanjat kalau ada.

Bapak aku lahir sebelum Perang Dunia Kedua. Dia hidup masa Emergency, perang anjing berlari. Dia ada kotak peluru askar British yang sekarang jadi tin spana, tempat dia simpan alat-alat dia.

Dia pernah ada Kukri blade, tinggalan askar Gurkha. Dulu sembelih orang, sekarang sembelih ayam je Kukri blade tu. Tapi biasanya bapak aku tak sembelih ayam. Pasal aku syak dia takut orang taknak makan sembelihan manusia berdarah Cina walaupun dia jauh lagi alim dari pak imam PAS/PIS-M kampung aku yang waktu muda remajanya panjat dinding rumah orang pasal nak mengendap orang beromen. Atau nak rogol.

Mak aku pulak anak campuran Bugis dan Arab. Bugis Pekan, walaupun dulu dia duduk Jerantut. Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak tu dua pupu dia. Tun Razak tu sepupu datuk aku. Masa nak merdeka dulu, datuk belah mak aku pergi kempen sekali dengan Tun Razak. Lepas dah tubuhkan kerajaan, datuk aku tolak semua jawatan kerajaan kecuali jadi ketua kampung kat Tebing Tinggi.

Sebelum jadi Perdana Menteri, zaman kecoh-kecoh dulu, Tun Razak pergi jumpa datuk aku dulu.

Datuk aku meninggal lepas makan tiga ekor ayam panggang.

Masa tu aku 15 tahun. Satu-satunya benda yang aku simpan dari dia ialah sebilah lembing. Lembing betul, bunuh orang punya lembing. Sekarang bunuh biawak je. AKu simpan dalam bilik aku. Aku selalu ada mimpi bunuh rimau pakai lembing tu dan jugak pakai parang. Lembing tangan kiri, parang tangan kanan. Cucuk tekak rimau pakai lembing, pin dia dekat tanah, lepas tu pancung kepala dia.

Lepas tu menjerit macam orang gila. Best.

Anyway, point aku ialah, it doesn't matter what the form is, what the medium is, or how it looks. At the end of the day, cuma niat dan hasil yang penting. Aku selama ni lari dari bentuk dan rupa. Sampai masanya aku fokus kat benda lain pulak, macam skrip filem yang aku nak siapkan malam ni jugak.

Tu je lah benda aku nak cerita. AKu nak tidur ni, kejap. Malam ni aku sibuk. Petang ni pun aku sibuk. Esok lagi la maha sibuk.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Atomic Batteries to Power, Turbines to Speed

The city of Malasnyaville! A city blessed with sunshine all year round.

However, looking up to the skies one morning, residents of Malasnyaville saw the ominous shadow which will change their lives forever.

Resident 1: Look! Up in the sky!

Resident 2: It's a bird!

Resident 3: It's a plane!

Resident 1: It's...it's the shape of a giant dick!

R2: Let's call Teresa Kok. He'll know what to do. I mean, she'll know what to do. Hehehehehehe.

R3: Get the Kok signal! Let's shine it up the sky!

R2-D2: Pheeeewwwwwww-tit tot e-ork.

Meanwhile, somewhere between Bandar Kinrara and Seputeh, Teresa Kok is driving her KokMobile.

Kok: Hah! And they said I can't be in two places at once! Kage Bunshin no jutsu! STUUUUUNT KOK!

Director: STUNT KOK!

Ass Director: STUNT KOK!

Production Manager: STUNT KOK!

Stunt Kok: Here I am, I came as fast as I can. Hihi.

Using her ninjutsu powers, as well as some special effects, Kok can summon duplicates of herself and ensure the proper handling of both constituencies.

Her day was interrupted, however, when the Kok signal went up the sky.

Kok: Oh, shit. I better call Jeff and the team on this one.

Meanwhile, in LG's test labs...

Jeff Ooi: Ow! This new chocolate tastes bad! It hurts my teeth!

Lab: Woof! Woof!

LG Guy: Errrrmmm...you're not supposed to eat it. Try making calls with the other one.

JO: Well...okay.

JO: Hello?

KOK(over the phone): Jeff, the Kok signal is up. SOmething is wrong in Malasnyaville. The people need us.

JO: Okay, Kok. This looks like a job for....LEEEEEEETLE BIIIIIIIIIIiiiIIIIIIIRRRRRDDDDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

LG Guy: Wait! Wait Jeff! Oooooow. Without his endorsements, we're doomed! DOOMED!

Meanwhile, back in Malasnyaville...

R1: Look! Up in the sky!

R2: It's a bird!

R3: Well, it IS a bird!

R2: A little one.

R1: Yeah. Very small. How could it...

R2: Oh my God it's a small bird! Panic! Panic! Race riot!

Kok: Never fear! The Kok is here!

JO: And Little Birdman!

R1: Oh, thank the Lims! Praise Anwar!

R2: Look, everyone! It's Little Birdman and The Kok!

JO: What seems to be the problem, citizens?

R1: There! Up in the sky!

Kok: Holy mother of Nurul Izzah! It's shaped like a giant -

JO: Kok! We must assemble the team!

Kok: Yes. Kage bunshin no jutsu! Stunt Kok!

Director: STUNT KOK!

Ass Director: STUNT KOK!

Production Manager: STUNT KOK!

Stunt Kok: Here I am, I came as fast as I can. Hihi.

R3: Whoa! There're two of them! THAT's how she does it.

Kok: Stunt Kok! Make some phone calls. Assemble the Justice...Party, and RocketMen and Moon Raiders and some Talibans. Let's...get...ridiculous.

To be continued, same Kok time, same Kok channel.

Giving Myself a Blowjob

No matter what they say. No matter what they did to stop it. To sabotage it. To screw me. I prevailed.

Yesterday, I did the impossible yet again. I am so fucking good. I am so fucking great.

When everyone else was immobilised with fear and with laziness, I picked up the slack. I had to be the rock, sometimes. No, not The Rock. Not Rocky, either. Just the rock.

I didn't lose my cool. I didn't back down. I went marching on and everything was done properly.

DESPITE everything else.

I am so fucking impressed with myself. I really am the greatest. And I must taste really good as well.

I wish I could give myself a blowjob right now. (Un)Fortunately, somebody did that already.

Yeah.

Suck my dick, assholes.

The Malay Male in Japanese

Ore wa terebi no tensai da! Ore wa Tetsuwan Atom desu! Ore wa gitengsha da! Omae no koeing wa ikimasuka?

Byoing o doko? Doko doko?

Hakubutsukang wa, ikura desu ka?

Ore wa, dengsha de, uchi e kairimasu. Iya. Takushi de uchi e kairimasu. Majide? Osake o nomimasu, yo. Zutto zutto osake wa. Yong ju % wa osake da. Jiaku Deniaru da, suki da. Jiaku Deniaru to coca cora da. Subarashiiii da.

Nemasu yo. Yume e, hasha junbi! HASH-SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Tales from the Drunk Side: Soapbox Time

Just got back from Press club. Jaka Denial time, foo! I am quite lugubrious at the moment.

I don't want another May 13 to happen, but I am prepared.

On the day I got back to KL after a voting trip to Kuantan, I bought myself a machete. From Carrefour. It's RM21.50, and you can find it at the gardening section.

It's mean-looking, has a good balance, but I can only kill one or two people and hack a few extra limbs before I lose my grip as the handle is quite slippery if it's covered in, oh, say, blood.

If a race riot actually happens, I would need the machete for 'self-defence' as well as for shopping. If the shit ever comes down, you will find me at Carrefour, pushing a shopping cart and waving the machete, possibly a 32-inch Sony Bravia, a Nintendo Wii and a front-loading washing machine in the fucking trolley.

Look, I'd rather pay for the stuff, but if I have to hack and slash through a forest of yellow-shirt wearing sales assistants, I would.

A lot of people are still celebrating the fall of BN in the last elections. I say fall of BN, and not the victory of the Opposition because the opposition did not win. Do any of you who voted for the opposition even read their manifesto?

I was at home watching the election results, as my mother made a fist and became extremely angry at the statistics that kept coming in. My father was his usual collected self. I was grinning, cause I was right.

Turned out, I was TOO right. We overdid it.

Because, the current Opposition, in my opinion, is neither better nor worse than the past Government. There are as many racists in DAP as there are in UMNO. And the same number of good people as well.

And you really want to vote PIS-M? Man. Fucktards. I grew up with PIS-M people. I know what they're about. I know what they're capable of. Frankly, I don't trust them.

I mean, BN might take your money. Toll you, tax you, put you in prison, sleep on the job, have sex with actresses, TV personalities, suck the country dry, give contracts to friends and family, say stupid things, do stupid things, fuck the judiciary, play race politics, mobilize rempits, construct bridges that fall after some rain, dig a few billion-dollar flood-water tunnel that require cleaning after some light rain, wave a keris, smile like shit, whatever.

PIS-M has the capability, and now the opportunity to do ALL of those things, and try to convince you that it's legit by hiding behind the veil of religion. Menghalalkan yang batil. I'm not saying they're doing it RIGHT NOW, but they can, and if we give them too much power, they will.

Because despite popular Malay belief, these people are no saints.

Actually, this is the case I'm making - if we give any one group absolute power, and I don't give a fuck who they are - we are going to be screwed. I mean, 50 years of the same lesson over and over again, is that not enough? We gave BN that much power and they became arrogant motherfuckers who don't even realize that they must change or die. They don't even realize that they HAVE to construct roads from quality material and not build gold-plated toilet seats, for God's sake (remember the Majalah 3 coverage on Ku Li's extravagances wayyyy back in the 90s?).

The last election was a good lesson for BN.

The lesson is: change, or die.

I'm all for that. What I am concerned about is: at what price? And more importantly, WHO IS GOING TO PAY IT? If it's just Pak Lah and KJ, then by all means. Makkal Sakti! Hold the dhal. Extra curry. And teh o suam satu!

But if we have to bear the cost, as we always do, with this country, then I say, bad, bad, badddddd.

The problem with BN is: they are too stubborn to change. Too fixed in their ways. I mean, they've been doing the same shit for 50 years, and they all got away with it.

If you play blackjack, and you've been winning 11 hands straight using the same tactics, are you gonna change just cause you lost the 12th hand?

The problem is that the stakes are US. No, not the United States, us. US, foo!

If the opposition fuckers stay cool and not lose their head and become as arrogant as BN, then fine. Otherwise, we are in for another fucked-up 50 years. When the first-borns take over.

The French Revolution was started by younger siblings, like me. But pretty soon, the older siblings took over and start beheading people on a whim. Creating a draconian whatever that they fought AGAINST in the first place.

Lim Guan Eng made a statement, which was broadcast on TV about the NEP. Fuck the newspaper that got it wrong.I saw it on fucking TV, so it must be true. Despite being in office for only two fucking days. Despite knowing that some Malays are crazy enough to kill for those three words.

I was even thinking that it was a prelude to the annexation of Penang from Malaysia. I bought a machete because I was expecting the more stupid Malays to respond (as they have before) and actually, for a change, fulfill their promise of bathing their kerises with Chinese blood.

Wait a minute. DESPITE knowing all this, he went ahead and made the statement anyway? Is Lim Guan Eng just as stupid as some of the UMNO politicians who made similar statements earlier? I don't think so. I mean, he learned arabic and Tamil in prison. Oh, that's right. He never got the books daddy-kins sent him. Boo fucking hoo.

I believe that for every good person, there is a KJ to balance the equation. For every Bernard Khoo, there is a Monsterball. For every Sunder, there is a Samy Vellu. And for every Najib, there is another Najib.

I believe that race-relations in this country are fucked up. There is just not enough inter-racial fucking. I believe that some Malays don't trust the Chinese. Some Chinese really do want to come up with a CEP and ride on the Malays till they all die. That's all fucked up.

Oh. And Indians. They're okay cause they're gonna get US$4 trillion.

ETC. ETC for the dan lain-lain.

For God's sake, man. Can't we all just get along? And fuck each other instead of screwing?

I was told by many people not to write this piece. It's not funny, cause I don't find the potential for the worst of times to come back to Malaysia via the provocation of idiots as something funny.

Some people, especially Malay chicks, say they do not want to get involved cause they just want to be fucked and beaten up.

Some say, "We will support the winners. Why make ANY noise? Just make money lah."

Some people say that we should just leave it to the idiot politicians. I say fine, leave the politics to the politicians. But social bullshit should be handled by the asshole society we live in today.

And also the fact that I want to migrate anyway, even before the elections. However, as long as I stay here, and is a citizen of Malaysia, it is my business to ask questions, no matter how hard they may be.

Yeah, some friends told me to just shut up and write about how many girls I fucked (quite a lot, actually).

Unfortunately for all of them, I have watched Boston Legal.

In the words of Alan Shore, "As citizens, as patriots, it is our duty to ask questions. It is our solemn responsibility to talk about things that affect us."

Or something to that effect.

I'm no fucking patriot, though my dick does look like a missile defence system, sometimes.

But somebody has to do it. As I have learned over the past few years, I am usually the one left holding the bag. Well, when life gives you a bag, let's abduct some women and fuck them in the ass. Whatever.

As the greatest genius to have ever fucked Thai ladies, it is my prerogative to ensure that my flights to Thailand are uninterrupted.

I am half Malay and half Chinese (or possibly two-thirds Malay cause my sympathies lie with them). And heterosexual. Sexy as hell. Yeah. Uh. Uh. Check out these pecs, baby, yeah! An endangered species, in these times.

Anyway, long story short, relax. Chill. You don't have to live in fear. You can have balls and say shit. You can go to Phuket. You can sodomize people and still be a contender for the PM's job.

But if you want to riot anyway, don't forget to call me. I need a flat-screen TV.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

To Be Loved



Some people, they see me writing and they immediately judge, "Oh, you're doing this because you want to be liked."

I was like, what the fuck? I am not that shallow. If I wanted to be loved, I would go to Thailand and pay.

If I wanted to be liked, I would give head.

To desire something is to be weak. And I choose my weaknesses. I will not give that much power to other people. That's stupid. To be at the mercy of millions of idiots.

You may THINK you have their approval, but then, one day, BAM! You're a forgotten old whiner sitting in your panties all scrunched up and in a knot.

Fuck that, man. I am going out in a blaze. I want to be cremated. I want to be sent to the sun. One day, I want to die. I want to be forgotten, the only mark I leave the world is a charred spot where my body burned to death.

Who wants to live forever, really? All your TV shows disappearing from YouTube cause in the future they have memory crystals people stick in their asses and it's connected straight to your spinal column. Or Maxis Broadband sticking a modem the size of a cellphone to your ass. Oh, wait, they have that already.

I don't want to be loved. I gave that up a looooong time ago. Ate my heart up and shit. I want to be free. The ultimate freedom is death. And I long for the day I leave.

That's coming up next. Before that, I plan to do whatever it is I want to do. With whoever it is I choose to do it with. Until then, I am a slave. A barbarian. But one day I will my crown on a troubled brow. Lording it over a library I built with my own two hands.

Because I am Conan - The Librarian.

Semusim di Syurga:Kelapa Laut Afrika

Cepat la datang ambik aku. Hantar pergi opis, bangsat.

Aku tengah tunggu member aku hantar aku pergi office. Ada beberapa e-mail aku kena hantar pagi esok. Aku nak buat malam ni. Ada beberapa document aku kena check. Aku nak check malam ni.

Ada beberapa presentation aku nak check esok, aku nak buat malam ni.

Kan ke best kalau semua orang kerja malam.

Sementara menunggu ni, aku nak cerita pasal projek band aku. Kelapa Laut Afrika. Aku main kastenet. Medd, budak Bangsar yang suka tengok porn lepas tu kunci pintu, aku suruh jadi lead vocals. Jojoe, yang tumpang rumah aku tiga bulan, main tamburin.

Kitorang tak akan ada album, pasal susah nak jual dalam iklim dunia hiburan Malaysia yang macam hanjing ni. Kitorang juga takkan buat show memana. Tapi, Kelapa Laut Afrika akan ada t-shirt.

Album hantu pertama kitorang bertajuk Cap Ibu dan Anak. Album Inggeris hantu pertama tajuk dia Expectorant. Best-of collection ialah Bernadryl.

Single-single bertajuk Ibuprofen, Oxycodone dan Vicodin. Konsert hantu pertama bertajuk The Pseudo-epinephrine Tour. Fuh. Gila best.

Lepas tu, kami akan 'kembali' ke dunia underground walaupun tak pernah start kat situ dengan tour gig yang dipanggil Panadol Menstrual Tour.

Lepas tu, aku akan kick Medd dari Kelapa Laut Afrika dan ambik sorang penyanyi bertopeng yang aku akan namakan Mastectomy. Aku pun akan tukar nama aku jadi Pap Smear, dan Jojoe jadi Colonoscopy. Semua pakai topeng untuk menentang komersialisasi muzik dan dunia hiburan yang pentingkan imej.

Lepas tu aku akan keluarkan album hip-hop bertajuk Herpes Zoster. Dan follow-up bertajuk Anti-Retro Viral.

Best-of kedua bertajuk Salap Rimau. Album terakhir sebelum berpecah ialah Air Cap Tiga Kaki.

Selepas berpecah selama 20 tahun, aku akan menubuhkan Kelapa Laut Afrika semula dengan barisan ahli Human Papiloma Virus (Medd, lead vocals), Colonoscopy (Jojoe, tamburin), Pap Smear (aku, kastenet), Japanese Enciphalytis - betul ke eja ni? (Chee, tik tok), dan Buasir (Cheepork, backup dancer).

Kelapa Laut Afrika akan mengadakan tour UMNO yang dipanggil The Malay Malaise. Selepas itu, ke Taiwan untuk konsert sempena album Mandarin pertama Kelapa Laut Afrika - Chi Kit Teck Aun.

Lepas tu anak haram aku munculkan diri dan beromen dengan Ben Affleck dalam filem arahan Michael Bay.

Lepas tu aku gaduh dengan bini aku, dan Michael Jackson jual semua hakcipta lagu-lagu Kelapa Laut Afrika lepas kena saman lagi sekali.

Last-last, aku main bola untuk Palmeiras dan cakap aku dah score 1000 gol, walaupun baru main dua minggu. Tu pun jadi sub.

Roddy, Give Me Strength!

There is a disturbance in the force. My Malay senses are tingling. I can't put my finger on it, but somehow, I have a feeling that something is not right.

This feeling has been bugging me all morning, afternoon and night. It usually comes when I'm fatigued, after a marathon of a few weeks without rest, or a few days without sleep.

Now, I'm all right. I don't have migraines anymore, and I have enough energy to pump some manly iron almost every day. Wait. That last sentence sounded gay. Ah. Who cares?

Something, somewhere, is not running as it should be. There is a missing piece to the puzzle.

I have a feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and am about to fall down to jagged rocks and shit.

In these times of turmoil and emo shit, I turn to the best inspiration for a comeback - Rowdy Roddy Piper. The wrestler. Cause he's the best badass before they made it into a fashion statement.

You know what, I went through some weird ass tough shit through my life. I mean, I didn't get raped or anything. I didn't get molested. But I went through some weird ass shit.

Oh well. The best remedy for fatigue is even more work. If I focus on my emo shit, I'll never get anything done.

Therefore, right now at 1.08am, I am gonna go to the office. Work cures all. I am NOT afraid of hard work. I never was. And never will be. Well, maybe I'll go after this cigarette. And I am through, FUCKING THROUGH with being afraid to fail.

I will stand straight, as I usually do, and the world will judge me, as they usually do(if they have the time, and they usually do), and I am gonna drop my pants, show them my ass and give them the finger.

The only thing to fear is ME. I AM the best. I AM the greatest. The only thing I have to do is live up to my own fucking standards, which is not hard to do, if you're me.

Already called one of my colleagues. He's gonna drop by with a girl and pick me up and send me to the office. I need to go to the office. I need to do work. I need to clear my head.

I need to write. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Roddy, give me strength!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Message of Hate

Last night, I went to a seafood restaurant in Bangsar to catch up with two friends. There are these activists I met there, and they were holding a meeting of some sort. They’re quite well-known amongst the artsie-fartsies, so I’m just gonna call them LesCon, short for Lesbian Convention.

I was too lazy to get off my ass and get a cab, so I decided to stick around and listen to what the fuck these activists are doing. I’m a pacifist, their natural enema, so I became some sort of neutral observer or whatever.

They were talking about taking some action, cause they’re activists and what not, against this new up and coming group called Hujan.

Why? Cause Hujan stuck a carrot up their asses when the band made a statement during a performance. What was the inflammatory statement?

Hujan: Kami tak suka lelaki lembut (We do not like effeminate men).

BIG FUCKING DEAL, RIGHT?

So the people at LesCon went to LesCon 5 over that statement. Why? Cause they say that it’s a statement of hate.

I was like, “So you guys don’t hate, right?”

And they said, “Oh, we hate, depending on what it is.”

And then they started discussing plans to ruin Hujan’s shit.

I was like, what the fuck, man?

I asked them: Are you for freedom of speech?

LesCon: Yes, as well as all the artsy-fartsy stuff.

Freedom of speech. Goddamn. And yet they were bothered by a band’s comments about how they don’t like fags. And prepared to hate them back.

Why? Cause it’s a message of HATE?

Neil Gaiman, War be Upon him, said that "The tricky thing about freedom of speech is you also have to fight for the kind of freedom of speech that you don't agree with."

How about all the jokes and speeches the artsy fartsies made against the Government?

“We hate the Government cause they take our money and shit and are corrupt. Boo fucking hoo.”

I understand they meant hate as in gay-bashing. But what about hetero-bashing? What about Government-bashing? I don’t see any members of LesCon standing up when the Government got bashed. I don’t see them standing up and fighting for Singaporeans when our own comedians made fun of them. Isn’t that promoting hate, going by that pretentious logic?

What about the Danish cartoons about Islam. Those were inflammatory to a lot of people, and LesCon did nothing about it. Didn’t even say that it was wrong. In fact, I bet they just laughed at the stupid towel-heads. The non-liberal, conservative ragheads. The backwardness of the Islams.

Well, who’s conservative now, assholes?

Oh, noooooo. If it’s the Government or BN or UMNO, Singaporeans, Samy Vellu, Muslims it’s okay. But if it’s gays or effeminate men, then it’s not all right? No matter what they’ve done, they’re people too. I hate people. You don’t. So stand up for them and stop this message of hate, you fucking hypocrites.

Freedom of speech when it comes to atacking stuff you agree with. No freedom of speech when you’re being attacked. Real fair, assholes. Real mature. And that coming from me. ME.

So, what, if MY band, Kelapa Laut Afrika, was to come up with a statement saying, “We don’t like tuna. In fact, we HATE tuna.” LesCon members are gonna cry and kick a tantrum and sabotage my concert, now, is it? Cause we preach HATE. ANGER. DESPAIR. ANAL-SEX. WITH WOMEN. OOOOh. Anal sex with women. The horror. The horror.

What about the Dixie Chicks? They made that stupid statement hating Bush, who is the stupidest speaker in all human history. I don’t see LesCon going after them. What about all the stupid people Dixie Chicks were offending?

I acknowledge the fact that LesCon can retaliate to Hujan’s stupid statement by being assholes themselves and making their own stupid statement, but to DENY the right of that band to make their own fucking statements, stupid as they may be or not to acknowledge their rights is just so goddamn biased, stupid and hypocritical.

By all means, attack their statement. But never, ever, try to stop them from making those statements. Attack the statement. Don’t attack the poor kids. They’re just trying to make money while avoiding ass-rape.

And for God’s sake, lighten up. If Hujan really is homophobic, they can go the way of the Kylie. She dissed some gay people and her career was shut down for 50 years. Then she made a comeback as a cyborg.

Was LesCon there? Was GLAAD?

Hujan is in the entertainment world. The Malaysian entertainment world. It is controlled by gay people. Hell, I owe my career to gay people helping me out. I couldn’t reach the heights I am at right now if it weren’t for faggots pulling me up to stand on the same ground they’re standing.

Ning Baizura made a statement in FHM way back in the 90s which inflamed a lot of Islam radicals and Muslims. She learned it the hard way that this is a Muslim country, despite what everyone else says. Nowadays, she's a sweet media darling and also a fun person, within Malaysian boundaries. Hujan will learn their lesson as well. That this is the gay millenium.

I mean, whenever an artiste gets banned for saying something that inflamed the ruling whatever, these artsy-fartsies cry freedom of speech and shit. They cry oppression. They cry Nazi! NOW, they want to do the same. THEY want to be NAZIs. Nazi wannabes.

Furthermore, I’ve always suspected that homophobics are actually closet gay motherfuckers. Hujan’s lead singer has emo hairstyle. Have you listened to their album? It is in my subjective opinion that it is just a matter of time before they start sucking dick.

They were not saying,”Hell, take a hammer and kill the first faggot you see.”

They just said, “We don’t like effeminate men.”

Big fucking deal. I don’t like effeminate men…for fucking. They can pay me for a t-shirt anytime, foo!

Gay money is money.

Anyway, LesCon is planning to…get this…educate the people. Educate what? To stop hating gay people? Malaysians LOVE gay people. We give them most of our money, invite them to parties, where they become the life of, or half-life of, and in the case of Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, we stood in front of his house, trying to prevent the police from taking him. Educate the people my ass. Thanks a lot for that condescending tone you adopted. Sounds a lot like the Government wayyyy back in 2007.

I wish there was an election and LesCon was a political party. I’d go and phantom vote in every constituency they contest, and in all of the places, they would lose by ONE vote.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tales from the Drunk Side: Makkal Sakti

I just got back from a party a former employee of my company threw for himself. He is leaving for greener pastures, setting up his own business and all.

There was Danny Lim who accompanied me after some of the TV people left, who kept on asking to get into an UMNO function.

I told him I am planning to go to the AGM and sell this shirt:

Photobucket

And possibly this:

Photobucket

And he said he’d man the stalls for me.

I told him: Dude, you’re Chinese. This is the UMNO AGM. United MALAY National Organisation. Who the fuck is gonna buy these shirts from you, foo!?

Anyway, I spent most of the night discussing the best ways to kill people with Sunder. And who we’d like to fuck.

Sunder: I like Chinese Soccer Moms.

Me: What the fuck?

Sunder: You know, the girl in A Knight’s Tale? Chinese Soccer Mom.

Me: I don’t go for Chinese Soccer Moms. I don’t know why people would go for Chinese Soccer Moms. That’s just sick. You’re a fucking weirdo.

Sunder: Balls, lah! I didn’t say Chinese Soccer Mom, foo! I said Chinese Soccer Mom! Oh, man. I’d love to fuck Chinese Soccer Mom.

Then I asked Sunder if he’d like to be in my short movie.

Me: Bitch! Would you like to be in my short movie as the token Indian?

Sunder: Makkal Sakti!

Me: Dua Chapatti?

Sunder: Makkal Sakti, foo! It means People’s Power!

Me: Like Makkal Ossam?

Danny Lim: That’s Makkal Ossai.

Sunder: What the hell’s that?

Me: That’s a newspaper, foo!

Sunder: I’m talking about Makkal Sakti! The thing that won the election! People’s power!

Me: For all you know, it might mean Tosai Rawa. So. The movie. You have a gay scene with Zedeck Siew.

Sunder: Gay? Aw, man. Well. Can I rape someone in the movie? That would be awesome.

Me: You can rape Zedeck.

Sunder: That would be awesome!

And so the night went on.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Semusim di Syurga: Kehebatanku Berbahasa Malaysia

Aku start balik siri Semusim di Syurga ini untuk memapankan, mengapankan dan mempapankan Bahasa Malaysia aku.

Aku suka Bahasa Malaysia, bukan Bahasa Melayu. Pasal bahasa Melayu yang aku tau, kebanyakannya jiwang dan tak sesuai untuk dibuat porno.

"Kembaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya" - merupakan satu ayat dari siri penulisan lucah di MelayuBoleh.com yang sukar untuk aku lupakan.

Begitu juga dengan, "Bunyi cip-cap cip-cap kedengaran semasa aku menutuhnya di jubur." dan "Koteku terbenam dalam buritnya sampai ke pagi" dari koleksi cerita lucah Azi Iparku yang aku jumpa bawah tilam pelajar junior di sekolah.

Masa SPM dulu, BM aku A1. Semua budak sekolah aku dapat A1 kecuali 6 orang budak hitam. Bukan maksud aku budak India, ye. Tak cukup pun 6 orang Malaysian Indian/Mamak/Malaysian of Indian decent/Hindraf kat sekolah aku. Ada seorang je - Prakash. Gila famous. Siap main jambu lagi tu. 6 orang budak hitam ini telah mendapat A2.

Aku lihat, banyak benda yang aku belajar dulu tidak lagi diamalkan oleh orang Malaysia ni.

Contoh:

1. Pengunaan Para.

Kalau nak cakap para hadirin sekalian, tak boleh digandakan. Takkan cakap Para-para hadirin? Maksud para-para hadirin ialah para-para (shelves, kata omputih) yang dimiliki hadirin sekalian. Para-para Sakura tu bahasa lain.

2. Pengandaan tak sepatutnya yang lain

Gunakan orang(people), bukan orang-orang(scarecrow).

3. 'Di' jauh dan 'di' dekat.

Di akan jauh bila berkenaan tempat. Di sana. Di sini. Di situ. Di sekolah. Di rumah pelacuran. Kalau kata kerja, mesti dekat. Disepak. Ditutuh. Dirodok. Dikembiri.

Lagi satu, kurangkan penggunaan 'di mana' sebagai ganti 'where'. Kalau boleh, hapuskan terus. Pasal tak ada penggunaannya dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

4. Beza dari dan daripada

Dari melibatkan ruang atau tempat. Daripada digunakan untuk asal-usul. Plastik ini dibuat daripada petroleum. Plastik ini datang dari Kerteh.

5. Hukum Penggunaan Ia

Ini hukum paling aku menyampah. Cikgu aku suruh jangan pakai ia, ialah atau iaitu pasal senang kantoi. 'Ia', 'ialah' dan 'iaitu' hanya digunakan untuk orang sahaja. Tak boleh dijadikan pengganti 'it' yang selalu dibuat oleh orang.

6. Walaibagaimanapun atau walau bagaimanapun, keretapi atau kereta api, jalanraya atau jalan raya.

Yang ini ikut suka hati Nik Safiah Karim dan ahli bahasa yang lain. Lima tahun aku di sekolah menengah, 6 kali diorang tukar. Kejap jauh. Kejap dekat.

7. Bahasa Malaysia atau Bahasa Melayu?

Ikut suka hati politician. Sekarang Bahasa Malaysia...kot?

Jumpa lagi pada masa akan datang dalam ruangan Mari Belajar Bahasa Mak Bapak Kau.

Semusim di Syurga: Aku Nan Sebatang

Aku ni dah tua. Walaupun umur tak sampai 30, aku sebenarnya dah tua. Taste aku, taste orang tua. Orang kampung.

Aku sedar semua ini bila orang-orang tua yang perasan muda ajak aku pergi Rum Jungle minggu lepas.

Beli sebotol Jaka Denial - minuman orang Jawa tak sedar diri, dalam denial, lepas tu lepak kat dalam.

Diorang semua main menari henjut-henjut. Aku dok sibuk cari suratkhabar nak baca.

Aku tak suka menari. Tak kisah la kat mana-mana. Walaupun aku naik nafsu syahwat kat ramai penari pasal body best.

Aku suka duduk dan minum, sambilorang-orang tua keliling aku berjoget pasal Rum Jungle pasang lagu zaman diorang muda, 20 tahun lepas.

Band kat Rum Jungle malam tu, terus terang aku cakap, macam pukimak. Nak nyanyi lagu Hotel California:

Wehl-comeh! To! The! Hohtehl! Cah! Lih! For! Niah!

Apa ko ingat ni Gua Niah ke, bangsat? Kalau nafas tak cukup, toksah la nyanyi. Main la klastenet ke, keting-ting ke, tamburin ke. Toksah nyanyi!

Namun (wacana!), semua orang tak kisah pun. Pasal ditemani Pak Jaka Denial, apa-apa bunyi pun dengar macam best. AKu rasa kalau aku kentut pun diorang hentam joget jugak. Asalkan ada beat yang boleh ikut goyang bontot sambil jerit-jerit.

Proottt! Preeettt! Unst! Unst! Unst! Hiyah! Brooof! Ka-splat!

Jahiliyah Satu: Yeee haaa! Ke neraka kita!

Muzik punya la hanjing, aku rasa nak start band la pulak, untuk membuktikan kemudaan aku.

Band aku aku nak namakan Kelapa Laut Afrika (analogi untuk jubur perempuan kurus yang tak bercukur). Album pertama tajuk dia Cap Ibu dan Anak. Lagu pasal sembah setan dan meliwat peranjat Perempuan-perempuan Masuk Syurga (PMS). Rentak logam setan.

Aku suka setan pasal aku baca Lucifer, komik karya Mike Carey. Aku rasa ada banyak persamaan antara setan dengan aku. Pertama sekali, Lucifer, si setan, berusaha bersungguh-sungguh untuk menjauhkan diri dari bapak dia, Yahweh. Rasa macam aku umur 17. Atau mungkin 12, masa aku mula-mula tinggalkan rumah dan tak balik-balik sampai sekarang.

Pastu ada Mazikeen, anak Lilith. Kalau ikut kepercayaan Yahudi, Lilith ialah perempuan pertama sebelum Hawa. Mazikeen best, pasal dia sanggup buat apa saja untuk setan, Lucifer. Apa saja. Hehehehe.

Lagi satu, Elaine Belloc, yang menggantikan Yahweh. Gila pedophile, tapi pasal aku orang tua, aku suka.

Kalau aku ada anak, aku nak namakan dia Lucifer. Takpun Azazel (nama asal malaikat yang menjadi Iblis).

Tapi satu benda je aku tak suka kalau pasal setan - Budak Setan karya Ahadiat Akashah. AKu dengar nak buat movie. Entahlah.

Banyak orang cakap aku sesat sebab sukakan setan. Setan pun ciptaan Tuhan. Salah ke mengagungkan ciptaan Tuhan? Yang ko dok pangkah Lim Kit Siang, Samy Vellu (dulu-dulu), bulan, mata, roket, dacing tu takpe pulak?

Aku bukan sembah setan atau api. Aku bukan orang Majusi. Aku tak sembah duit, walaupun aku bernafsu syahwat pada duit. Aku tak sembah puki perempuan. Atau konek lelaki. Aku tak memuja kerusi di parlimen.

Aku tak hingin dilihat super. Syurga atau neraka, Tuhan punya pasallah nak hantar aku ke mana. Ko sibuk apahal? Amar ma'ruf nahi mungkar? Nabi Muhammad ada paksa orang ikut dia? Dia tak main la paksa-paksa ni. Dia relaks je. Sebab tu orang ikut dia.

Ada dia maki orang? Ada dia buat sembahyang Jumaat dua jemaah - satu untuk orang Ansar, satu untuk Muhajirin? Ada Nabi mengkafirkan orang sesuka hati?

Aku tak sekolah agama tinggi. Pendidikan Islam C3 je. Tapi toksahlah nak kelentong aku dengan janji manis syurga neraka kalau ikut telunjuk ko. Aku cuma sanggup berlutut pada Tuhan sahaja. Bukan kat Pak Imam, bukan kat Wakil Rakyat.

Apa, ko ingat kalau buat masjid, kuil atau gereja dari emas, Tuhan nanti dapat Golden Armour +363 defense ke? Buat minaret tinggi-tinggi, pastu dia dapat Flamberge +62 Fire damage? Kau maki hamun orang kafir, paksa diorang jadi munafik, ko masuk syurga la ye? Ko ingat Islam ni MLM?

Tersasul la pulak.

Band aku, Kelapa Laut Afrika. Takkan main untuk bayaran. Cuma kos sahaja. Aku ingat, aku nak main klastenet. At least aku sedar diri, tak boleh nyanyi.

The Secret to the Malay Male

All I hear nowadays is "The Secret this" and "The Secret that". Women can't keep their mouth shut about it.

They go on and on. As if reading the stupid book or downloading the movie from a peer-to-peer is some sort of achievement. As if reading a book or going to a course will change your life.

Suckers.

First, let's have some fun:

The Secret is not a secret. It is rehashed self-help bullshit that has been floating around for decades.

The Secret is a giant piece of turd designed for people who are:

1. Lazy

- a self-help that says all you have to do is to imagine things and they will magically manifest? Fuck you. If you want something, you have to take it. Imagining a donut will not get you a donut. Getting your ass off the couch and buying a donut gets you a donut, you lazy motherfucker.

2. The Da Vinci Code fans

- I hate The Da Vinci Code. It's stupid, wooden and stupid. Did I mention stupid? If you like The Da Vinci Code, fuck you, stupid.

3. Not Rich

- most of the shit is aimed at people who want cars and houses and stupid relationships. Never the concerns of Donald Trump.

4. Unhappy

- Rhonda Byrnes's mom said that the only reason she wrote the book is "for people to feel happy and good about themselves". This was evident in the final scene of the DVD when Byrnes wrote FEEL GOOD on sand. My response would be, "start giving free head, bitch!"

Now, for some bad news:

The Secret works. There. I said it.

When I was 23, I said to myself, "I want to write and be paid for shit that I write. I want to be a writer. And fuck everything else."

Six months later, I'm a writer. And fucked everything else.

I didn't visualize or ask-answer-receive or be in an 'attitude or gratitude' or whatever bullshit they spew on The Secret.

I worked for it. I sent 52 application letters to 52 different companies looking for writers. I went to countless interviews (actually, six). I worked as a cashier at a pharmacy to support my quest to become a writer.

I wrote for free at one stupid food guide. Just so that I wouldn't starve cause I'd be testing food and stuff.

I worked. Hard. Six months and BAM! The greatest writer ever.

I left The Malay Mail and was immediately offered a post at a magazine and a RM100,000-a-year job offer from an advertising company. Did I visualize any of this? No (BAM! Rhetorical question, yo!)! I worked for it. All of it. All mine. Memememe.

Cause you see, The Secret misses one extremely important step - action.

You can't just visualize sex with Natalie Portman every time you masturbate and expect her to come running to your house next week with an addiction to your penis. Fuck you! You're not me. And even I'm having a difficult time with that.

Yeah, yeah, it's important to have goals. To have dreams. I am a dream-powered writing machine. That's how I survive. That's how I work. It's the only way to do art. Cause I'm an artisan and shit.

BUT. Visualizing without getting off your stupid ass and not doing a thing will NOT get you a fucking blowjob from Natalie Portman.

Stalking her and covering her mouth with a handkerchief dipped in chloroform and throwing her into the trunk of an SUV and threatening her with a serrated-edge knife inside an abandoned warehouse might.

Cause if it's really true, if the Law of Attraction REALLY, REALLY works, then all of you are fucked.

Cause for the past five years, I've been visualizing killing each and every one of you with a machete. And shoving a red hot poker in your asses. All of you. Why? Cause it's fun to visualize that.

But as long as I don't get off my lazy ass and actually start killing people, it's not going to happen and the poh-lease cannot arrest me.

I believe in action. God does not punish the guilty, I DO! I mean, look at all the biggest bastards in the world. Chances are, the most evil people in the world are the richest. WHere's the justice in that?

I mean, judging by his hair, Donald Trump is an asshole. Bill Gates is a geek and geeks are evil little creatures. Like Jews.

If you want to be rich like Bill Gates, the thing you have to do is to take it from him. Take it ALL!

The thing is, have your goals or dreams or whatever bullshit. And then act, you stupid, lazy son of a bitch. God will not help you. So help yourself.

I, Amadeus

I am truly loved by God.

I mean, this past year has not been easy. There were a lot of Montreal Screwjobs. Rainbows with no pots of gold at the end. People who lied to me. Blamed me for things I didn't do or wasn't supposed to do in the first place.

They put their fucking victim stories on repeat AND shuffle, full maximum volume blast on and I had to just sit there and take it. It was like talking to fucking Winamp.

Then there was Maxis. Shit, man. I changed my scheme from Standard Plan to Value 80 (now my calls cost 15 cents a minute instead of 30 cents) and then they gave me an umbrella and also a chance to get like, 50% off for calls to 5 people, amongst other things.

Me: Who the fuck would I want to list as my five favourite people?

Maxis Girl: Maybe your family or your friends?

Me: What the fuck would I want to say to my family? Do you think I cry to my mother by calling her on the phone and talk for like, five hours and shit?

Me: Look, my family's dysfunctional. And according to some TV psychologists, 85% of families are dysfunctional. Boo fucking hoo. Every time somebody tells some sob story about their family, I want to rip a huge fart. Fuck you and YOUR family. You think you're special?

Me: And friends! Do I look like I talk to random people on the phone for hours on end? What, do I look like I wear tampons or some shit? Is a white string hanging out of my ass? I go out with friends. I don't try to get them to have brain cancer by talking to them over the phone for hours. Man.

Geez. Louise.

Maxis used to be the best mobile service provider in the country. They still are, cause the others still suck more. But. It's not as good as before.

I switched from Adam to Maxis a few years back and my migraines went. SImply because I didn't have to climb a tree to send a fucking SMS.

Maxis was easy. But now they're becoming more and more Adam-ish. Downtime. SMSes that only reached the destination two days afterwards? One of these incidents got me in trouble as some people accused me of not informing them on some shit I TOLD them two days before.

Adam? Fuck. Give me Lilith anytime.

Anyway, despite all these stupid shit, I am great. And so is Phuket.

I got myself Buddha. I mean, Buddha trade paperbacks by Osamu Tezuka. That's right. The life of Buddha in comics, foo! I got the last three volumes two weeks ago. But SOMEBODY took my first volume. Whoever you are, give me back my Buddha Number One, before I open a can of Kapilavastu whoop-ass on you.

Powers is under a new publisher. Fables is still an ongoing project.

And I rented an apartment in Bukit Jalil, having moved out of the place in Cheras.

It's cool cause I'm staying alone (with one guy staying here for a couple of months. He's not even here tonight cause he's fucking some girl or some shit elsewhere). So right now, I'm writing in the nude.

Freeeeedom! Uh! Uh!

I got myself some self-regulating sprays. Battery-operated. So the whole house smells good. I also make sure that I only smoke in one room or the balcony, ensuring that my apartment smells nice.

I also paid for a weekly cleaning service.

So even though the exterior looks like a ghetto, the insides are fucking fantastic.

I am going to buy a dryer and Astro Max on my next paycheck. The dryer has to be a front-loading one cause I need it to get my clothes clean and to smell nice. The Astro Max is vital for my work.

I also need internet connection. This place has no Streamyx and no Maxis Broadband coverage, according to the Maxis people. Well, guess what I'm using now? Maxis Broadband courtesy of Joe Lee, aka KlubbKidd.

Thanks, man. I mean, girl. Whatever.

SO I'm gonna wait for Time NetLynx to install a permanent Internet thing here. I know it sucks. I know it's slow, but as long as I don't get DCed every five minutes, I'm fine with it.

Anyway, yeah. I am loved by God. I am Amadeus.

So, God, thanks man. Girl. Whatever.

And can I get my US$400 million?

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Manifesto of Morpheuses, Morphei, Mo-Fear, Whatever

According to studies, and when I say studies, I meant this idea I had while sitting on the toilet, that out of 26 million Malaysians, and probably 10 million idiots who were eligible to vote in the last election, probably only 12 losers actually read the manifesto of all the parties before casting their vote.

So, anyone has a copy of their stupid manifestos? Send it over to amirhafizi@gmail.com. I just want to see how much they're lying to you suckers right now.

I wonder why no one jumped on the environment bandwagon. Not even Nik Aziz said anything about introducing hydrogen fuel-cell cars, and his party's colours are green and shit.

If there was a party I would really vote for, here's the manifesto they would write and then fight and whine for as soon as they lose:

1. Hydrogen Fuel-Cell cars

What: ALL cars in Malaysia will use alternative fuel by 2022. Focus on hydrogen fuel-cell cars because they can generate electricity to power houses and screw up TNB. Instead of sending bills to people, people will send bills to TNB as they sell their excess energy.

Why: With a little bit of internet surfing, all Malaysians will be able to construct hydrogen bombs by 2022. Of course, you would need plutonium, but hey, you can. And the fact that to manufacture components for the batteries will bring so much pollution, who needs carbon monoxide emissions?

2. Giant Robots

What: ALL Government infrastructure projects will have a Battloid mode. When the MB or the janitor presses a button, the whole thing transforms into a giant robot.

Why: For all the money we spent on taxes and tolls and the occasional RM22 million for building inspection, those things better be able to transform into giant robots.

3. The Legalization of Prostitution

What: What it says on the label.

Why: To reduce rape and revitalize the economy by promoting whorism or sexploring. Currently, prostitution is a multi-billion dollar industry in places like Thailand. To compete in this global economy, Malaysia needs to be a centralized hub for hookers. As this country is the perfect place to study Asian history as we have all kinds of Asians here, so should our prostitution industry. We will be the whoring nexus of Asia and make billions, if not trillions. Of SIng Dollars.

4. Death Camps. I mean, HAPPY CAMPS.

What: A complete community dwelling for people who are different from us. And by us, I meant people who won the elections. Screw other people and their different belief systems, ethnicity, political beliefs or sexual preference. If you won, you deserve to gas them with sarin or whatever shit.

Why: Cuts the bullshit down to its empirical components - racism, intolerance and pure evilness.

5. Deathmatches

What: The people should be able to vote who they want to see in a fight. A real one. In a ring with tables, ladders and chairs. Imagine Ku Li vs Pak Lah. KJ vs Mukhriz. Mukhrix vs Mokhzani. Marina Mahathir vs a real marina. Lim Kit Siang vs Lim Guan Eng. Koh Tsu Koon vs Datuk Siti Nurhaliza. Rocky vs Jeff Ooi. Brendy P Vs Kali in a steel cage. ANwar Ibrahim vs Musa Hitam in a kiss my ass match. Proceeds will go to charity.

Why: It's fun.

CHAOTIC NEUTRAL

Now that Barisan Nasional got their asses kicked and are now the underdogs, I support BN.

Why? Cause I’m chaotic neutral and shit. I support the losing team. Because I do not believe in good and evil. Just evil.

Because I think it is dangerous to put your trust in any political party, especially the (parliamentary) Opposition.

Because I can.

I’m a card-carrying UMNO member, yo! And I plan to use it. At participating stores.

Look, the Opposition are no angels swooping down on feathered wings to eradicate corruption and instill the laws of God and gaydom so that we can all go to heaven and meat virgins and shit.

Hell, no!

One of the people I respect most said to me, “The difference between you and me, the big difference, is that you don’t trust people.”

And I was like, “Hell, yeah!”

The last time I trusted people, he didn’t pay me back my RM11,700. Yeah, Milx aka Mahathir Buang. You still owe me RM11,700. When you gonna pay, ass?

The last time I put my faith in people, I got slammed with responsibilities which were not mine to begin with.

The last time I trusted a friend, he backstabbed me.

The last time I paid a 2+1+0.5 downpayment for a girl’s vagina, she rented her vagina to somebody else.

So don’t you fucking tell me to believe in people, man. Especially not DAP, PIS-M or PKR.

I believe in balance. I have faith in cynicism. I believe in not-believing. I hope for non-hope.

I am chaotic neutral.

Pancut - the Movie

Hey, I decided to do a short movie. After figuring out that if I didn’t care about quality, I can do it for (40 kg of) peanuts, as well as some suckers, I mean, artisans - ARTISANS, foo! - who would do a gay scene in the name of ‘art’, I decided to do it.

Actually, it all started a few weeks ago when some of my friends and a Knight of Bukkake member, Earl of Cunt, wanted to do a movie for the BMW shorts.

The theme was ‘Water’ or ‘flow’ or ‘water flows’ or some other retarded artsy fartsy shit. They had a story which is, to the best of my knowledge, lame.

So I came up with an even lamer story for the competition entitled ‘Pancut’ (trans: Ejaculate). Geddit? Water? Air? Air mani? Semen? Hehehehehehehe.

Everything went extremely bad with the creative direction of that one and the guys ended up with no movie at all.

So I decided tonight, after waiting for some people to read my pitch for a full-feature movie I want to make and win the Academy Awards, that I need to create something fast, or I’ll start destroying cities.

Idle hands are my playthings. Idle minds turn to porn.

So I called up a friend and asked him, “Would you do a gay scene with Sunder, you fucking fag? Cause I need a gay scene to make it intellectual and shit.” And he was like, “All in the name of art!”

I nearly barfed, but that was the missing piece. I called up some friends and asked for the deadline of the BMW shorts, hoping that it’s June or July or something.

They said that it was three hours away.

I was like, “Fuck.”

But I’m gonna go through with it anyway. I mean, I made my decision already.

So this short movie, Pancut, will not enter this year’s BMW short movie shit. And I don’t think it’s suitable for Astro Kirana Short Film Awards cause it’s gonna have controversial elements like a fag and shit.

It might go for MVA, but who gives a shit? I’m gonna make a short movie, come hell or high water. And for peanuts, too. And the shooting schedule all fits in a weekend. Actually, we can do it in one night.

Pancut will be produced, directed and written by me. Starring me and some gay guys.

I’m gonna write the script now, but first, I’ll give you a written trailer of the short movie.

Yeah, that’s right. This movie is so fucking hardcore, the trailer doesn’t even have any visuals.

TRAILER:

CAPTION: This trailer is recommended for no one.

BREATHY VOICE-OVER: THIS IS A SHORT FILM 65 MILLION MICROSECONDS IN THE MAKING.

BVO: IN A LAND WHERE MASSAGE PARLOURS RULE THE WORLD, FOUR FRIENDS EMBARK ON A JOURNEY OF THEIR LIVES.

AMIR: I NEED TO EJACULATE!

BVO: AMIR HAFIZI, THE GREATEST THERE WAS, THE GREATEST THERE IS AND THE GREATEST HETEROSEXUAL MAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!

FAG1: WHOA HIGH ART!

BVO: FAG NUMBER ONE.

FAG2: KAFKA-ESQUE! MONET! MANET! AYN-RAYND! PABLO…AIMAR!

BVO: FAG NUMBER TWO.

FAG3: BETTER THAN A STILL SHOT WITH A CHINAMAN IN PAGODA SHIRT FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!

BVO: AND FAG NUMBER THREE.

BVO: FROM THE MAKERS OF NOTHING, CUMS A CUMMING OF AGE TALE LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

BVO: IT’S A STORY OF WAR, BETRAYAL, (GAY) LOVE*, ASTEROIDS, VOLCANOES, KILLER ASTRONAUTS, PREGNANT KIDS, DRAGONS…AND ZOMBIES.

• Amir Hafizi will not be in any gay scenes cause he’s heterosexual and proud of it.

BVO: CUMMING TO YOU THIS SUMMER – PANCUT – THE GREATEST SHORT MOVIE EVER MADE. SORRY. THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Malay Male: The End

Some idiots say that until you’re 40, you’re preparing to live. And that after you hit 40, you’re preparing to die.

Well, I have been preparing for my death since I was 23. A few weeks ago, I celebrated my 28th birthday. That means that it’s been five years that I’ve been preparing for my passing from this world.

But of course, I have no idea how I will die. Or what the circumstances would be like. That did not stop me from imagining how it would be like. Here’s a selection of how I could go, never quietly into the night.

1. Super
- It starts with me getting it on with the Thai-Japanese daughter of a Japanese conglomerate. A fucking bastard heiress.
I marry the bitch, and her grandfather, the patriach of one of the biggest companies in the world gives me control over the biggest corporate entity in human history worth well over 2.3 trillion dollars.
He doesn’t trust any of his children, so he gave it to me, under protest from his family, cause the Thai-Japanese chick is a bastard and shit.
I take control of the company and make it extremely profitable and get it to research shit like cold fusion and wormholes and teleportation and whatever shit.
Then, after 5 years, I leave the company, giving its controls back to the family.
“I already have the most valuable thing from this family,” I would say, while fucking the Thai-Japanese girl in the ass during a Press conference.
Then, some Malaysian politicians, probably PIS-M fuckers, hire a sniper and kill the bitch.
Then I’d go all crazy and grow wings and horns and a 30-inch dick and shit. My hair turns white and I Kame-Hame-Ha the sniper bastard.
The Devil would come and try to tempt me. I go and Pedigree the motherfucker. And shove a red hot poker up its ass. The devil went away crying like some bitch.
Then, after some emo shit at the bitch’s grave, I go after the PIS-M fuckers.
I would capture them, and devolve the fuckers into water-breathing amphibians, and keep them in a glass bowl in Times Square.
Their punishment is to realize that they’ve become juvenile salamanders…thing…axioatl? Whatever. Amphibians, when they were once human.
And then, I’d capture all their family members, put them in cages and slaughter them in front of the PIS-M fuckers.
Then I’d just take over the world and kill lots of people.
After I get bored with all the shit, I would fly to space and go supernova and blow up the earth.
The sun was in my eyes, so I ripped another asshole for the sun, causing it to collapse like sumbitch gay fag and become a huge black asshole.
Then I would take the Milky Way and shove it up the ass of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Then, bored out of hell, I explode, cancelling the Big Bang and taking the rest of this crappy ass Universe with me.

2. Real
- I get holed up with Christian Amanpour and Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali and Bill Maher and Chris Rock and Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman in some war-torn African country.
- The rebels and the army are coming, and we’re stuck between them.
- So I give my last message to the world through a live broadcast via CNN.
- I’d say, “I have it all. Millions of dollars, a Japanese-Thai girlfriend, and the third season DVD of Boston Legal. And I traded all of that for this one moment. I’m not doing this for the starving children or whatever shit. I am doing this for me. For all mankind (that matters. Which is just me.).”
- After that, a brief porn production – my last – which is a sandwich with Alba and Portman while Amanpour, Rock, Maher, Ghali and the cameraman sit in a fetal position in the corner, crying like babies.
- Then I’d go out as the tanks and Strykers come, with a Samurai sword the size of a telephone pole, to represent my dick.
- It will be one man versus a hundred thousand. Down to the last ten thousand, I lose my sword, so I begin to beat people up using my raging hard-on.
- Finally, spent, the US drops a nuclear bomb on me. And I die.

3. Apocalypse
- I am the last man on earth. Ellen Paige is sucking my dick.
- Outside my house, vampires started coming.
- I turn on the computer and watch South Park one last time while sitting on Eva Longoria, with Ellen Paige sucking my dick, Natalie Portman feeding me a Philly Cheesesteak with her mouth and Jessica Alba feeding me milk from her hooters.
- My left hand is finger-fucking Maria Ozawa and my right hand is holding a big ass red switch.
- The vampires come. I push the button.

4. Depression
- I lie in bed, ridden with cancer.
- My lungs have 30 seconds in them, give or take a few minutes.
- I take the shotgun and turn it to my face.

5. Decepticons
- Giant robots come to earth.
- I take Michael Bay and shove it up Optimus Prime’s ass. Again and again.
- Optimus Prime got ass-raped by Michael Bay.
- Oh, wait, this was the Transformers movie.
- And where the fuck is Soundwave?

Man, talk about megalomania. Or Vijay Khan.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The King of Kings

Your time is up, my time is now. You can't see me, my time is now!

In case you forgot or fell off, I'm still hot, knock your shell off!


Nowadays, when I hear people whine and bitch about their shit, I just sneer. I got nothing to complain about.

I'm living the life, yo!

I have an interesting job some people only dream of. On weekends, I work on my movie scripts - to be filmed by one of the country's top production companies. I am also working with some who's who of the industry to try and come up with something that can win the Academy Awards for Best Original Screenplay AND Best Foreign Film.

Hell, why not Best Picture? I mean, Roberto Benigni, or was it Roberto Panini or Alberto Focacia or some shit who won with Livin' La Vida Loca or whatever shit. A sappy movie about having an ass-clown for a father who got killed by Nazis.

I managed to convince an international comics artiste to draw comics based on my script - a reverse of Moby Dick. Next year, I am going to the New York Comics Convention with him to try and get one or two pitches to DC.

It will not end here.

I am going to be a film director. I am going to learn editing, then camerawork, then I'm gonna be an assistant director and then, after five short movies or so, I'm gonna come up with my first feature film which will make loads of money and win all the awards. Before I'm 35.

So life's been all fucking rosy and shit.

I mean, despite Carrefour's lorry driver calling me in the middle of a busy day telling me that he did not want to send my new TV set to my new apartment because 'he wanted to go home early' - causing me to swear off Carrefour forever - and being accosted by a drunk Chinaman at the elevator lobby, despite me holding a machete in hand, just cause he lost money at the tumbling stock markets and shit, it's all been more or less good.

I found more places to eat, but have lost weight.

I got two interviews with the UN cause I was leaving the country, but I said no to the second interview cause my father got his third stroke. He's a tough fucker, cause he's still on his feet even after this third stroke. I don't expect him to appreciate what kind of shit I'm letting go just to stay in Malaysia and see him off or some shit.

I mean, statistically, he will die before I do. Of course, I could just be struck by lightning tomorrow. But I doubt it. Cause only the good die young, and I am an ancient spirit of evil.

So I'm sticking around. For a while.

As for the rest of the world, it's been the same old shit. ALL women still exchange vagina rent for money, power and control. Homosexuals still rule the world. Racist fuckers are STILL elected to office. Rocky is still being sued by Nasty Pee.

Ho-hum. Same shit, different day.

But I'm fucking great cause I am the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.

So all of you who try to stand in my way are going to get an assfull of smackdown.

I am the most perfect creation of God. And you gonna die, motherfucker.

Semusim di Syurga: Bughit Mak Kau

Baru je setengah jam aku bukak balik blog ni, ada member dah tanya.

Cheepork: Apasal start balik?

Aku: Pasal BN kalah teruk. Aku kena balance-kan The Force.

Cheepork: Jadi ko sekarang blog untuk BN la?

Aku: Ha ah.

Cheepork: Kata nak start lepas ko dah blah negara ni?

Aku: Ni bukan negara yang sama dah. Dah jadi lain.

Cheepork: Takde pun ko tulis pasal BN?

Aku: Ni hah:

BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN BN

Cheepork: Selama ni ko buat apa? Bukan ko busy ke?

Aku: Buat kerja. Main Gemfire.

Malas aku nak terangkan pasal kerumitan dan skill yang diperlukan untuk bermain Gemfire. Game yang dah jadi freeware. Nak main kena pakai Dos simulator. Aku pakai Dosbox.

Gemfire dan jugak Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons - dua game yang aku main kat sekolah dulu dengan memecah masuk ke dalam bilik komputer. Sambil tu layan porn yang cikgu aku surf lepas tu simpan dalam My Documents. Loser.

Anyway, Gemfire memerlukan aku mount drive c jadi d:\gemfire. Pastu masuk c:, run koei.com. Bukan website, ah. com, pada zaman dulu, bermaksud command.

Lepas tu, aku hack game tu punya stats pasal malas nak kumpul makanan dan berjual beli selama dua tahun. Aku pakai gamewiz. Dulu pakai software lain. Gamemaster. Cuma masukkan nilai integer, sama ada hexadecimal code atau decimal, pastu search. Pastu tukar nilai dalam game, masukkan nilai baru.

Dapat alamat dia, pastu tukar la suka ati mak bapak aku. Hampir semua game boleh dihack. Aku buat supaya aku tak ketagih. Kalau dah ketagih, kerja tak jalan. Aku rosakkan ketagihan pada game dengan mencapai apa yang tak mampu dicapai dalam game.

Especially yang takde cheat.

Anyway, aku dah ngantuk ni. Oh ya, tujuan posting ni:

Bughit mak kau.

Dah. Aku nak tido atas tilam queen-sized.

P.S:

By the way. Sekarang dah pukul 2 pagi. Yang jam bodoh kat blogger ni tunjuk pukul 11 pagi tadi apahal? Kang ada pulak yang tuduh aku menulis blog kat tempat kerja la pulak.

Bodoh punya blogger. Aku bukan kat negara barat la, bongok! Bughit mak kau.

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

Fuck.

I mean, hear ye! Hear ye!

Ominous signs have appeared. A three-headed calf was born to a goat, each head singing a different Britney Spears song.

A lone star shone on Bukit Jalil.

Gog and Magog have climbed their way up the fucking Himalayas and are now raping and pillaging Tibet.

A baby was born with the shape of a large dick on his back.

Pigs flew…on DC-10s. Cats grew horns. A cow jumped over the moon…and has now lost all communication with Houston cause he’s on the dark side of the moon and shit.

The Ancient Spirits of Evil have returned.